BOSTON, MA — Courtney De Sena: “Not taking Joe’s hijinks any longer.”
Ms. De Sena told reporters that “I supported him when he wanted to run across a scorching desert, and I supported him when he nearly died running across Alaska, but I am putting the kibosh on his new “Oxygen is the Enemy” campaign.
Mr. De Sena has never been friends with anything comfortable, but executive headband coordinator Wally Wiśniewski confirmed that daily operations at the office may have gone too far when Joe returned from the 25th annual “Pain is Life; Life is Pain Summit” in Sjötorp Sweden.
“I liked when Joe got rid of all the soda and candy machines, and I have sorta gotten used to avoiding the beaver traps hidden on the cafeteria benches, but I really got concerned when Joe lambasted oxygen during a weekly logistics meeting for making everyone feel so damned relaxed.”
Joe’s vision to install special airtight door locks throughout the Spartan headquarters in Boston was going as planned until reports of Joe’s home life began to go awry.
“When Joe told me about the sinking passengers aboard the RMS Titanic, and how he wasn’t going to breath anymore I rolled my eyes as usual, but three days later home life got impossible” Courtney De Sena said “He couldn’t even communicate with me if he needed more celery for his juicer!”
Spartan HQ has since followed up with a statement informing us that Mr. and Ms. De Sena have reconciled and that the Campaign Against Breathing at the Spartan HQ office has been relaxed to include all air access on casual Fridays.