LAS VEGAS — Kakapo Capital Fund (KCF), a private equity real estate firm struck a deal with former CEO and Chairman of the Wynn resorts Steve Wynn this past Thursday to create the Warrior Mud Rabbit. Warrior Mud Rabbit will be the first five-star ninja obstacle resort and casino in the local Calico Basin Trail.

During a press conference, Steve Wynn clarified to investors that the dig site is still geographically located on the main strip of Las Vegas and therefore will not risk a loss in visitor foot traffic from the typical boozehound tourists.

Kakapo Capital representative agent Ataahua Taimati further clarified by explaining that the adventure resort and casino does not violate any state or federal environmental zoning laws because it will not be built on the Calico basin trail per se, but rather an unspecified quantity of the actual basin trail will be nimbly excavated and relocated underneath the casino by means of military grade helicopters prior to the build.

“I don't know what screams ‘Las Vegas' more than mud-covered selfies, perfectly-timed fire jump photos, or closeups of freezing snot being ejected from one's nose after an ice dunk in a trash dumpster – and we're featuring all of these elements in our massive corridors and throughout our gambling spaces! Want to hit our Power Buffet? Just 20 yards of barbed wire and you're there! Double-down on a 12 in blackjack? That's 30 burpees for you!” says Taimati

“We're going above and beyond to make our misery-loving patrons feel right at home, including our award-winning celebrity guests. Coming this November, we're excited to announce the Mark “EFF Ballas” GBC fun center and “Double G” Griffiths' new '90's Rave Zone where he'll be spinning his pre-EDM favorites whilst grooving in his kilt – that should be misery in itself.”

According to the bargain-of-a-century time-share pamphlet I was handed during the power point presentation, lucky investors are poised to immediately capture the interest of 76% of the OCR and Ninja community based on independent analysis and statistics conducted by the University of Waikato. 

Statistics shared by the University point to the fact that 62% of obstacle racers only attend events because they want photos to post about themselves on social media, and 14% of racers only attend because their lunatic coworker said they were actually going to an Alan Jackson concert. Without taking a break from chomping on his unlit cigar, Mr. Taimati reinforced that management cannot completely rule out the possibility of hosting non-stop Alan Jackson concerts at the hotel and casino, he can assure everyone that the Warrior Mud Rabbit will definitely have WMR-branded selfie stations positioned every 23.6 feet along each entrance, exit, hallway, conference hall, and restaurant in the hotel.